59.

ed to give up transvestism. This was something I did not want to do. The pleasure of dressing as a woman was greater than any painful situation caused by it that I could imagine. I saw this doctor no more.

So

Within half a year of the discovery, my wife had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized. For nearly a year she underwent he own private agonies in the hospital, while I at home with our three children had plenty of time to contemplate and look within myself, and what I saw was this:

Whatever the causes were that created this compulsion in me, I was now what I would always be and the desire and its causes were an integral part of my personality. I had been wrong in trying to deny and resist my love of dressing as a woman, It was more than just the clothes: when I was com- pletely attired as a woman, I was a woman; I moved, walked, acted and even thought as a woman- I was feminine all the way.

+

During this time I also answered to my own satisfaction the question of what made me as I was. I believe it was be- cause my father had equated masculinity with too many things that I could not achieve : courage, physical strength, stamina,

aggressiveness, love of competition etc. Therefore, being

made unsure of my masculinity and finding many things labeled as feminine to my liking, I became attracted to all things in the woman 1 s world including clothing When I had answered this question it bothered me no longer. I could accept myself as I was, and enjoy my womanhood and life in general more than ever before I shall be a TV to the day I die, and will love it every minute of the time without guilt, torment or question. The only thing I still regret is that I was so ashamed of my love of all things feminine that I didn't have the hon- esty to tell my wife about it before we were married. That was completely unfair to her, and has caused her much anguish. Therefore, I admonish all unmarried TV's: if you ever consid- er marriage for heaven's sake tell her about your TVism--for the sake of the happiness of both of you and your children.

After almost a year my wife again returned home, with at least a tolerance for my activities. I had decided that I was